my sweet poppy.
this post is a bit different than my usual posts… i do have some cancer updates but i’ll share them another time. today i want to talk about my sweet poppy who i lost 2 months ago. this post has been a long time coming. i am fortunate enough to have my own little space on the internet and wanted to use it today to honor the man who really meant the world to me.
on my 35th birthday, april 24th, i lost my sweet, sweet poppy. he and i have always been so incredibly close and i just wasn’t ready to say goodbye. i actually didn’t even truly GET the chance to say goodbye due to quarantine and following the guidelines that were put in place to protect the elderly community… which made his passing even harder. i did however have the chance to see him the friday before he passed for a quick visit… i had no idea that would be the last time that i saw him. all of his vitals were good the morning of his death when the nurse checked him out… but somehow we ended that night in his living room with the handful of people that had been there for him day in and day out just weeping at the loss. for a few days i couldn’t believe it happened on my birthday… i was burdened with grief and just couldn’t climb out of the dark hole i was in. it seemed so awful and unfair. then i spoke to my cousin valerie who lost my other grandfather on HER birthday and she explained it in the best way possible - that she looked at it as a connection that only they will share. a closeness that only they have…. hearing that turned it all around for me.
i could never find the words to properly express how much i miss him… or what i would do for another one of our weekly sunday afternoon lunches… to watch him and adriana converse and play. i have SO many memories of his sweet, compassionate soul that i will treasure forever. he didn’t have a mean bone in his body. he was strong, thoughtful, sarcastic and witty… he always had the right answers and a listening ear. he loved a good yard sale and was an expert price negotiator. he kept the most beautiful garden and really took pride in it. he was a cancer survivor!!! a veteran! he loved my grandmother so incredibly much and would sacrifice anything for his family… he was truly one of a kind. a gem! i am so happy that i can at least look back on his life and know that i didn’t take our relationship for granted. i made the most of his time here on earth and he knew the love i had for him. but even with all of that considered, i wish he was still here.
i have little pieces of him all around. he has a gorgeous rhododendron tree in his front yard… he separated a piece of it and gave it to me to plant at my house. it gets bigger by the day and puts a smile on my face and tugs at my heart strings every time i see it. also, his yard is full of various bird houses… [which is kind of funny considering my grandmother doesn’t even like birds very much!!] he had a beautiful bird hotel in his garage that he never got around to putting up… my grandmother told me that he would have loved for me to have it - so after some serious labor, danny put it up in the backyard in front of our woods and i love it so much! i can’t wait to see all the little birdies make it their home some day. and last but not least, my favorite item of his that i have the honor of owning is his bible. there are little notes that i wrote him from my childhood scattered throughout the pages… and he has so many passages underlined and little thoughts jotted down that must have been on his heart while listening to the sermon. it’s just so special to me and i will cherish it for the rest of my life. his faith was such a big part of who he was and to read his own words on the very worn pages of that bible is something i hold so dear.
check out the growth of our rhododendron over the years. i missed getting a pic in 2018…. (cancer diagnosis year… i hardly have any photos from those months) … he would be so proud to see this crazy plant today!
i do not handle loss very well… especially a loss this great. it has been officially 2 months and still doesn’t quite feel real. and then there’s my sweet little gigi. his wife, best friend, round the clock care giver… the most selfless woman you could ever even imagine… and STRONG. i know the pain in my heart i feel from losing him and i can’t even imagine the void she is dealing with. being married to someone for 60+ years is a dream and she is the example i live by. an absolutely amazing woman. they are so precious to me and always have been.
so for now i will keep his memory alive in any way that i can. he will be forever missed and never forgotten. i am so thankful adriana was able to get to know him on such a deep level. pardon me while my heart explodes over here!
the entire time i was writing this post i had the song “this little light of mine” stuck in my head … i don’t think i’ve heard that song since sunday school when i was a little kid…. but that is exactly what this man was to me… a light.
i love you poppy!! forever and a day. xo
