hello and thank you for stopping by! i have been wanting to try this blog thing [again] for a while now but always seemed to find an excuse as to why i shouldn't... laziness mainly. but that ends now!
June 26, 2018 is a day i will never forget. it was the day i was diagnosed with classic hodgkin's lymphoma. it all started with a little lump that appeared out of nowhere on my neck. after a cat scan, needle biopsy, surgical biopsy, pet scan and numerous doctors appointments sprinkled in.... it was in fact cancer. i cannot even describe to you the range of emotions i felt and am still feeling... everything from denial, anger, sadness, and more sadness... now on to maybe, possibly acceptance? hard to say, the jury is still out on that one. i just keep asking why? i'm so young! it can't be happening to "me" ... but it is. so i can do one of two things... either spend my days feeling sorry for myself or kick this diseases ass.... i am going to choose the latter.
i have heard many things since finding out this news... things like "oh, that's the 'good' cancer!" (because apparently there's a good cancer?!) or "well, if you're going to get cancer, that's the one to get!" all things that are meant to be comforting but hello! i still have cancer! I still have to go through rounds of chemotherapy and radiation, completely destroy my immune system in order to become healthy again, lose my hair, be potentially at risk to develop a second cancer... the list goes on. and that is only part of it... there's the other side of it - feeling sick all the time, being exhausted, having to be more dependent on others, accepting my new appearance... all things that may not sound like a big deal in the grand scheme of things but they still matter. finding a new normal and trying to accept it.
through this experience i feel like i am already learning so much. some of the things that i used to think were such a big deal, really aren't at all. so much time and energy has been wasted on things that don't even matter. also, i had been taking so many things for granted without even realizing it. we go about our days thinking they are endless, "there's always tomorrow!" but what if there's not tomorrow? nothing is guaranteed in this world and i am making a commitment to both myself and my family to be better. life is meant to be lived, even when it's not exactly convenient.
i could not have this mindset all on my own... if it weren't for the overwhelming support from my family and friends i honestly do not know what state i would be in currently. my danny, words cannot even describe how amazing you are/have been. right beside me at every doctors appointment offering nothing but love and support... even scooping cat litter... you must love me! and my family & friends... the endless prayers, grocery shopping (thank you mom and linda!!!) , the calls, texts, anything to help... it's just so beyond anything i could have imagined and i am very lucky. to know that i am not alone means everything.
i have spent the last few weeks searching the internet high and low looking for other people who have been in my same position. reading and listening to their stories, obtaining any knowledge that i can on what is about to happen over the upcoming months. while every persons journey is different, it was still very comforting at the same time to see the survivors an thrivers of this disease. it was ultimately what inspired me to create this blog. if i can help just one person in some way by sharing my story, my journey! it will be worth it. it will also maybe be therapeutic to get the endless amounts of feelings i have out there!
cancer will not define me. i will not let it win. can someone cue "fight song" for me please?!
life is beautiful, even when it seems ugly. i am looking forward to sharing my journey and seeing where it takes me. xo